A Slight Realization....

He will officially be gone to NC on Tuesday... what the hell am I going to do all summer?

It’s been bad enough to this point, but....I don’t think I have ever missed him this much - before he ever even left. Its kinda frighting....does this mean that I love him more now, then when I did then? I feel as though my husband is leaving for war or something....its pretty ridiculous actually. I mean, Ill be able to talk to him over the phone a couple times a week, and he’s coming home in August, so....no biggy...right?

I just wish, for one summer, even if it was just a couple weeks....that I could just constantly be with him....I just wanna hang out at a park or something, or even just watch a movie at one of our houses, and just kinda sit there in the others presence, just because we could. I love those lazy days, there’re my favorite. Where we just kinda chill, and talk, and just hang out like we always used to before we ever dated. Back when we were the best of friends. When we were around each other so much, and told each other everything, to the point of his neighbors thinking that we were dating.

I miss the old days....back when it was just him - and me. nobody else. No crazy ex boyfriends/girlfriends. No fighting. No bitchy parents to get in our way because one parent didn’t like the other. No drama.... back when everything we did was so insanely innocent that we would be scared to make the slightest move. Back when my heart would skip a beat merely hearing is voice across the hall in school, back when I was in denial that I even liked John Indvick like that. I miss the innocence of it all. I guess everybody can relate some how. I never in my wildest dreams, back when I first met John, would have ever guessed that I would fall head over heels in love with him, much less date him as many times as I have, and for so long.

He has always been my knight in shinning armor.... I just never wanted to see it. I was put under this impression that John would be a phase. I would get over him, and find somebody else. Well, it soon became a pattern of mine to date him...move on to somebody else....but never forget him. Then I would be with my new boyfriend, and right before he would lean in to make a move - Johns face would pop in my head, and I would reminisce on old memories that I thought that I had lost and forgotten about. I became better and better at hiding the fact that I still had strong feelings for John. I even lied to John about it...more then once.... He would ask me how I felt, and I would purposely say that we had no chance at getting back together, because I didn’t want to gain any false hope in ever having him back. I would put on my happy face, and pretend like I was perfectly fine without him, and was happy that he had his own life now with somebody other then me.

and now... three years latter.... I’m practically engaged to him. We have plans, and what we want to do in life - and both of our plans inquires the other. I really don’t know what I would do if I lost him somehow....if maybe he found somebody else that was better then me in some way....or if I hurt him again....like I have in the past. I have changed sooooo much since the day we first met....Im confident that we are both in this for the long run....but I still don’t want that false hope. I don’t want to completely place all my future plans on him just yet. Shit – I’m 17 – I don’t NEED to be “practically engaged”. I just really don’t want to be with anybody else but him. I’ve tried other people… and its just not the same, and not even close to being as good. But, I have a feeling that I wont truly become completely and fully serious with this until we make it an entire year without a huge fight resulting in a bad break-up....which seems to be our pattern. We will last about 5 to 6 months, and something will happen, and we will both slowly crumble.

I pray every day that that will never happen again...I want to be with him...I want him all to myself...I want him so bad that it hurts. I cant function correctly without him with me in some way shape or form. I need him....he is the first guy I have ever relied this much on. I have more trust in him then I let off sometimes. Because…he has seen pieces of me that I never dared to show anybody else. He knows me so well its omniscient. We even finish each others sentences sometimes....

Im gonna miss him this summer.....and im gonna miss him more then any summer ever before.....He will be on my mind constantly....I know this to be true...because two weeks have passed, and we haven’t been allowed much contact, if any at all, and I am constantly thinking of him....he’s always in my head. I wake up in the morning wishing he was there....and sometimes hoping he is...even though I know he isn’t, and won’t be.

Lets face it....im in love....