Saturday, May 10, 2008

Chocolate = Stress Reliver

Did you know that chocolate is like, the best stress reliver in the world?

Right now, at this very moment, I would like to bawl my eyes out and just have a nice big ass cry - but - thanks to my dark chocolate kisses, im not...anymore.

To thoughs of you who care, im in a situation where I cant help but dwell on my dirty past. Lets just say, I have fucked up on many occassions in the past couple years, and now a days, i cant help but dwell on thoughs moments when i felt my lowest. For Instance;

When I broke up with John the last time. I left him for a guy I had met at my work, a guy, who in the end, proved to not be as amazing as i orginally thought he was. It didnt work out...and I had left John for nothing. I do belive that my reationship with the other guy did amount to somthing, we both got allot out of it in our own ways, but...by me leaving him...I learned how I cannot live without this guy in my life in some way form or fashioned. Withen the months that I didnt have him, I was a wreck. Hell...I was a wreck in the course of leaving him in the first damn place. I cried the whole time. From the point of me IM'ing him [ he was gone for the summer ] to the point of me bring it up. and...what makes it worse...is the whole time i was doing it, the guy that i was leaveing him for was talking to me too...and he knew exactly what i was doing, because he pretty much set me to it. But..in the end...it was completely my decion...and my fuck up....  Its pretty ridiculus when your that hurt leaveing sombody, but you do it anyways, because your so set on what your future could be. 

I messed up...majorly... but yet he still claims that he will be there for me whenever i need him. But - ya wanna know the god honest truth? He wasnt. Whenever I cam to him about somthing, I would be blown off. I wasnt quite worth his attenchion, because thanks to my little idea of leaveing him - i was nolonger his problem. So I would sit in my room and think, and dwell, and just force myself to get over things, because if John didnt care, nobody would. He was , and to be frank IS the center of my life. If he doesnt give a damn about me, then nobody will. But, what is ironic is, he was the one who said we would never date again. All of our planned on moving in together and eventully getting married were temp. thrown out the window. He had his life, and I had mine. I did my best to move on, but i had my slip ups where I would call him just to hear his voice, or I would walk by his house just so I could reminise. Call me a stalker, but, I couldnt help it. I wanted him back, so insnaley desperatley, that even when he turned me away, I would talk myself into thinking it was a lie.

Dont get me wrong - I know he loves me, and i know that this will work this go around - i know it. We have both matured since thoughs days, and we are more certain about things now then we were then. But, thinking back...it scares me. Allot of things have been bothering me lately, and majority of them,  were orignally MY fault.... Im completeloy to blame. I hurt him, I left him, I said this, I did that. It was always my fault, and probley always will be. Im a fuck up to the core. I'm too blunt, and i dont think things out before I say/do them. He, on the other hand, things just about everything through before he does it. Everything has to be either proven, or have some sort of cause and effect. Im not saying hes wrong, but I just wish he would be more blunt somtimes. Granted...we all know where that got me...so I might as well get over it.

John is my everything - but I still just dont comprehend why he loves me of all people...the fuck up... but..im rabling about nonsence...so im gonna shut up now...

Hows that for a daily soap opera...

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