Well...I was just informed today going to my dentist apt. that my father believes that I will be a failure in life. I wont finish high school, and even if I do, I wont finish collage. I will move out as soon as I turn 18 and go on in life being a complete and utter bum, and accomplish absolutely nothing.
He told this to my MOTHER and got her all upset, and basically said that I’m to expensive to keep in the house anyway! I cost too much! BUT - he refuses to let me pay for things when I offer too. Now my mother is all upset, and I was upset....but not as much anymore. He can think what he bloody wants to about me - but I hope he gets a real reality check when I surpass him as his daughter.
And he wonders why I don’t like him, and that I don’t like being in his presence, or talking to him about my personal matters; because they amount to NOTHING to him. I am a complete and utter failure, and always will be.
Well, ya know what? - F*** him!!!!!
I don’t care! I refuse to get upset over his ass not believing in me and my efforts to become the daughter he actually wants to tell his friends about, the one that wanted to make him proud. Now I don’t care anymore. His opinion isn’t worth spit to me. Why should it? I’m just a stupid teenager who will amount to nothing anyways!
....screw him....
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Chocolate = Stress Reliver
Did you know that chocolate is like, the best stress reliver in the world?
Right now, at this very moment, I would like to bawl my eyes out and just have a nice big ass cry - but - thanks to my dark chocolate kisses, im not...anymore.
To thoughs of you who care, im in a situation where I cant help but dwell on my dirty past. Lets just say, I have fucked up on many occassions in the past couple years, and now a days, i cant help but dwell on thoughs moments when i felt my lowest. For Instance;
When I broke up with John the last time. I left him for a guy I had met at my work, a guy, who in the end, proved to not be as amazing as i orginally thought he was. It didnt work out...and I had left John for nothing. I do belive that my reationship with the other guy did amount to somthing, we both got allot out of it in our own ways, but...by me leaving him...I learned how I cannot live without this guy in my life in some way form or fashioned. Withen the months that I didnt have him, I was a wreck. Hell...I was a wreck in the course of leaving him in the first damn place. I cried the whole time. From the point of me IM'ing him [ he was gone for the summer ] to the point of me bring it up. and...what makes it worse...is the whole time i was doing it, the guy that i was leaveing him for was talking to me too...and he knew exactly what i was doing, because he pretty much set me to it. But..in the end...it was completely my decion...and my fuck up.... Its pretty ridiculus when your that hurt leaveing sombody, but you do it anyways, because your so set on what your future could be.
I messed up...majorly... but yet he still claims that he will be there for me whenever i need him. But - ya wanna know the god honest truth? He wasnt. Whenever I cam to him about somthing, I would be blown off. I wasnt quite worth his attenchion, because thanks to my little idea of leaveing him - i was nolonger his problem. So I would sit in my room and think, and dwell, and just force myself to get over things, because if John didnt care, nobody would. He was , and to be frank IS the center of my life. If he doesnt give a damn about me, then nobody will. But, what is ironic is, he was the one who said we would never date again. All of our planned on moving in together and eventully getting married were temp. thrown out the window. He had his life, and I had mine. I did my best to move on, but i had my slip ups where I would call him just to hear his voice, or I would walk by his house just so I could reminise. Call me a stalker, but, I couldnt help it. I wanted him back, so insnaley desperatley, that even when he turned me away, I would talk myself into thinking it was a lie.
Dont get me wrong - I know he loves me, and i know that this will work this go around - i know it. We have both matured since thoughs days, and we are more certain about things now then we were then. But, thinking back...it scares me. Allot of things have been bothering me lately, and majority of them, were orignally MY fault.... Im completeloy to blame. I hurt him, I left him, I said this, I did that. It was always my fault, and probley always will be. Im a fuck up to the core. I'm too blunt, and i dont think things out before I say/do them. He, on the other hand, things just about everything through before he does it. Everything has to be either proven, or have some sort of cause and effect. Im not saying hes wrong, but I just wish he would be more blunt somtimes. Granted...we all know where that got me...so I might as well get over it.
John is my everything - but I still just dont comprehend why he loves me of all people...the fuck up... but..im rabling about nonsence...so im gonna shut up now...
Hows that for a daily soap opera...
Right now, at this very moment, I would like to bawl my eyes out and just have a nice big ass cry - but - thanks to my dark chocolate kisses, im not...anymore.
To thoughs of you who care, im in a situation where I cant help but dwell on my dirty past. Lets just say, I have fucked up on many occassions in the past couple years, and now a days, i cant help but dwell on thoughs moments when i felt my lowest. For Instance;
When I broke up with John the last time. I left him for a guy I had met at my work, a guy, who in the end, proved to not be as amazing as i orginally thought he was. It didnt work out...and I had left John for nothing. I do belive that my reationship with the other guy did amount to somthing, we both got allot out of it in our own ways, but...by me leaving him...I learned how I cannot live without this guy in my life in some way form or fashioned. Withen the months that I didnt have him, I was a wreck. Hell...I was a wreck in the course of leaving him in the first damn place. I cried the whole time. From the point of me IM'ing him [ he was gone for the summer ] to the point of me bring it up. and...what makes it worse...is the whole time i was doing it, the guy that i was leaveing him for was talking to me too...and he knew exactly what i was doing, because he pretty much set me to it. But..in the end...it was completely my decion...and my fuck up.... Its pretty ridiculus when your that hurt leaveing sombody, but you do it anyways, because your so set on what your future could be.
I messed up...majorly... but yet he still claims that he will be there for me whenever i need him. But - ya wanna know the god honest truth? He wasnt. Whenever I cam to him about somthing, I would be blown off. I wasnt quite worth his attenchion, because thanks to my little idea of leaveing him - i was nolonger his problem. So I would sit in my room and think, and dwell, and just force myself to get over things, because if John didnt care, nobody would. He was , and to be frank IS the center of my life. If he doesnt give a damn about me, then nobody will. But, what is ironic is, he was the one who said we would never date again. All of our planned on moving in together and eventully getting married were temp. thrown out the window. He had his life, and I had mine. I did my best to move on, but i had my slip ups where I would call him just to hear his voice, or I would walk by his house just so I could reminise. Call me a stalker, but, I couldnt help it. I wanted him back, so insnaley desperatley, that even when he turned me away, I would talk myself into thinking it was a lie.
Dont get me wrong - I know he loves me, and i know that this will work this go around - i know it. We have both matured since thoughs days, and we are more certain about things now then we were then. But, thinking back...it scares me. Allot of things have been bothering me lately, and majority of them, were orignally MY fault.... Im completeloy to blame. I hurt him, I left him, I said this, I did that. It was always my fault, and probley always will be. Im a fuck up to the core. I'm too blunt, and i dont think things out before I say/do them. He, on the other hand, things just about everything through before he does it. Everything has to be either proven, or have some sort of cause and effect. Im not saying hes wrong, but I just wish he would be more blunt somtimes. Granted...we all know where that got me...so I might as well get over it.
John is my everything - but I still just dont comprehend why he loves me of all people...the fuck up... but..im rabling about nonsence...so im gonna shut up now...
Hows that for a daily soap opera...
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Relationships...
I officially despise the majority of the male race. I despise them with every inch of my soul. They are so confusing, and have fucked my brain up to the point of no return. It seems like every single guy I have ever dated has tried to screw me over or hurt me in some way at some time. Now, my latest ex boyfriend has basically told me that we wasted two months on each other for nothing. He despises me, and I despise him. I suppose we're even. But why am I surprised?
*changing names to protect the guilty*
Almost every single guy I have dated has completely screwed me over or used me in some form or fashioned.
James: This was my first boyfriend. Oh, was he a trip. Not only did he cheat on me a numerous amount of times, but he was a total man whore.
Jacob: This is the guy I went out with for a brief amount of time, who grew a likening to ditching me every time we did something together. Whether it was parties, dances, or just walking around the neighborhood, he always would leave at least an hour early – leaving me behind.
Brian: We dated for three months - completely infatuated with each other - or so I thought. He left me the day after my grandmother died and then screwed - and I mean the term literally - my best friend. Then after he dated her for a while, he dated my OTHER best friend. Both of which had told me that they liked him and were going for him the SECOND after we broke up. Is it just me, or did I get SCREWED OVER?
There are many many many other examples of this. Out of the 5 or 6 guys I have dated, it seems like all of them have done something to me. To make matters worse – the guy I am currently with, John [ you’ll hear this name often ] is possibly the most amazing guy EVER! We have been off and on now for about a year’s time, and always seem to find our way back to each other. Through out majority of the guys I’ve dated, I have always ended back up with John at some point. But…for some reason…I cannot break the wall that I keep between us. I usually blame it on me getting hurt so many times. Due to those circumstances I have created barriers that keep guys away from certain parts of me, whether that be physically or emotionally.
But…the worst one… the one that affects this relationship most, is me admitting to loving someone. It seems like every time I make it past that barrier – I end up hurt. To the point that even if I truly know that I love them… I can’t make myself say it aloud to them. Hence – me admitting my undying love for them. It gets pretty annoying when I subconsciously will not say it. I’ll say it in my head, but I can’t get it past my lips.
I don’t know…I have allot of things to get past before I truly give myself to him. I know I want to. My dream is to one day go down the isle with this guy…but if I cant get past these barriers of mine…that day might never come.
*changing names to protect the guilty*
Almost every single guy I have dated has completely screwed me over or used me in some form or fashioned.
James: This was my first boyfriend. Oh, was he a trip. Not only did he cheat on me a numerous amount of times, but he was a total man whore.
Jacob: This is the guy I went out with for a brief amount of time, who grew a likening to ditching me every time we did something together. Whether it was parties, dances, or just walking around the neighborhood, he always would leave at least an hour early – leaving me behind.
Brian: We dated for three months - completely infatuated with each other - or so I thought. He left me the day after my grandmother died and then screwed - and I mean the term literally - my best friend. Then after he dated her for a while, he dated my OTHER best friend. Both of which had told me that they liked him and were going for him the SECOND after we broke up. Is it just me, or did I get SCREWED OVER?
There are many many many other examples of this. Out of the 5 or 6 guys I have dated, it seems like all of them have done something to me. To make matters worse – the guy I am currently with, John [ you’ll hear this name often ] is possibly the most amazing guy EVER! We have been off and on now for about a year’s time, and always seem to find our way back to each other. Through out majority of the guys I’ve dated, I have always ended back up with John at some point. But…for some reason…I cannot break the wall that I keep between us. I usually blame it on me getting hurt so many times. Due to those circumstances I have created barriers that keep guys away from certain parts of me, whether that be physically or emotionally.
But…the worst one… the one that affects this relationship most, is me admitting to loving someone. It seems like every time I make it past that barrier – I end up hurt. To the point that even if I truly know that I love them… I can’t make myself say it aloud to them. Hence – me admitting my undying love for them. It gets pretty annoying when I subconsciously will not say it. I’ll say it in my head, but I can’t get it past my lips.
I don’t know…I have allot of things to get past before I truly give myself to him. I know I want to. My dream is to one day go down the isle with this guy…but if I cant get past these barriers of mine…that day might never come.
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