*** This is an assignment for my webpage class. He wanted us to create a blog and write somthing for a week. I thought it would be pointless to create a new blog, so im just gonna add on to my current one instead. Im gonna keep every days post in this one section, and then if i feel like writing one of my monthy essays I typically write on this thing, I will in another topic. ***
11/8/08
Today went okay, nothing amazing. The end of the day wasnt all too great. I accidently broke my glasses in half. I put them in my boyfriends pocket cuz i had somthing in my eye, and he forgot about them and sat down and they broke in half. My mom chewed me out, and it was bad. buuuut, o well. Its all good. All n' all, besides murdering my glasses, today went okay.
11/9/08
So far today has been alright. I have a murderous headache due to the fact that im wearing my old glasses from middle school. The prescription isnt right and its makeing my head hurt, but, o well. Its better then nothing. Im thinking about bring the peices in tommarow to school and hot glueing them together. I already tried tapeing them...yeah..didnt go all that well. Super glue doesnt work either cuz it doesnt have anything to hold on to, therefore doesnt work. [ Ive had like EVERYBODY tell me to super glue them. What part of "that doesnt work" dont they comprehend?!]
11/10/08
Todays okay. John isnt in the greatest of moods, but he says hes fine...soo....I guess Ill leave it at that. hmm...somthing to talk about...I preformed Messiah on Sunday twice and when I went in to Christmas Pop's rehersal's today everybody gave our group great reveiws. It was pretty cool. We sang it in this big church and then we when to the Henderson Fine Arts Center and sang it again for a smaller crowd. I find it funny that the crowd at the Fine Arts Center was smaller then the church. The church was packed. We had five hundred pamplets, and then ran out! Pretty Sweet. Oh, and I hot glued my glasses and they are okay now. you have to be really careful with them though. I think im gonn put tape over top of the glue as well, just as a precausion. welps...I guess thats it for today. It's kind uneventful around here.
11/11/08
Today was AWESOME! Not only did I finnish that EVIL Algebra II project, but I went to the Youth Service Center at school, and the teacher there said she could get me new glasses at no cost! Due to the fact that we are going bankrupt and the insurance wont pay for it till Nov. of next year, she said it wouldnt be any problem getting me new ones. Im on cloud nine....this is nice.... ^_^
11/12/08
So far, today has sucked. My relationship is going to the dogs, and I cant stand it. Its driving me insane, to the point that I cant handel it anymore. I have a strong feeling that the next couple days will be a living hell....
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Missing Innocence
Have you ever wondered what it would be like to go back to your childhood and relive it again, just so you could make it better? To make new memories, or even to relive the ones gone past. It seems like now a days, nobody want their innocence back. It’s all about growing up, and getting married, and having kids, and getting jobs. Nobody takes chances to imagine anymore. It’s all about money and keeping food on the table. I’m not saying that keeping ends meet is a bad thing, no. My point is, why cant we all keep some of our innocence with us? Why must we all grow up so fast?
One of my absolute favorite movies is Finding Neverland. It shows exactly what I’m talking about. About how life can have its ups and downs, but there’s really no point in living if you don’t take the time to have fun. Sometimes even I like to go to Neverland. No, I’m not mental, I’m serious. I like to just sit down someplace quiet, and just imagine what I could be doing. Or, simply think of a place that nobody else can get to, and dwell on the lovely thoughts that captivate it in my mind. A place where there is no drama, no pain, nor any kind of sad or depressing thought. It’s a place I love to venture to in books and movies, but nothing beats my own imagination. If only more people in my generation had an imagination. Teens now a days are starting to date and have sex starting at the very youngest 12 or 13, and are subject to the peer pressure starting in late elementary school! Now, I don’t know about you, but maybe…just maybe there is something wrong with this picture. Kids now a days want to grow up. They don’t want to dwell on little petty things like reading or taking a long walk down the ocean front just to hear the waves roar. Granted, I’m not your typical seventeen year old kid, but, eh – I have my moments where I would rather be partying then doing something more innocent.
I guess I just wish that I personally could have more time to just be a child again. To not have to worry about if I will have enough money to pay for tuition next year, or if I will ever find a job that pays well enough, & I’m really tired of just getting by. But I can tell you one thing, every small time I do take to do something childish, I feel so much more relaxed afterwards. I feel like there is this huge release of pressure whenever I take an hour or two to write my thoughts down in my journal, or to write a short story, or do a painting, or simply sit outside on the swing and listen to the wind blow the trees. I suppose its just one of thoughs times where I thank God that I’m alive, instead of complaining about what I still am yet to have.
One of my absolute favorite movies is Finding Neverland. It shows exactly what I’m talking about. About how life can have its ups and downs, but there’s really no point in living if you don’t take the time to have fun. Sometimes even I like to go to Neverland. No, I’m not mental, I’m serious. I like to just sit down someplace quiet, and just imagine what I could be doing. Or, simply think of a place that nobody else can get to, and dwell on the lovely thoughts that captivate it in my mind. A place where there is no drama, no pain, nor any kind of sad or depressing thought. It’s a place I love to venture to in books and movies, but nothing beats my own imagination. If only more people in my generation had an imagination. Teens now a days are starting to date and have sex starting at the very youngest 12 or 13, and are subject to the peer pressure starting in late elementary school! Now, I don’t know about you, but maybe…just maybe there is something wrong with this picture. Kids now a days want to grow up. They don’t want to dwell on little petty things like reading or taking a long walk down the ocean front just to hear the waves roar. Granted, I’m not your typical seventeen year old kid, but, eh – I have my moments where I would rather be partying then doing something more innocent.
I guess I just wish that I personally could have more time to just be a child again. To not have to worry about if I will have enough money to pay for tuition next year, or if I will ever find a job that pays well enough, & I’m really tired of just getting by. But I can tell you one thing, every small time I do take to do something childish, I feel so much more relaxed afterwards. I feel like there is this huge release of pressure whenever I take an hour or two to write my thoughts down in my journal, or to write a short story, or do a painting, or simply sit outside on the swing and listen to the wind blow the trees. I suppose its just one of thoughs times where I thank God that I’m alive, instead of complaining about what I still am yet to have.
Monday, July 7, 2008
Birthdays - and John
My birthday kicked major ass this year! ^_^
No, not many people showed this year, but we had a blast! It was me, my e-ville friends, Kaycee & Kricia, Demara, my Uncle Brian, Luke, and my parents. It was soooo much fun though. Whats funny is, a couple things went wrong, but they didnt spoil my day, yeah i was a bit upset, but i still had a blast.
Then Holiday World w/ my E-ville friends was amazing - we had soooo much fun. I really needed the time off to just chill for a while. Ive had a couple things stress me out lately, and piss me off but I feel allot better now that ive got some me time. I still miss John though....
I reeeeeeaaaalllllllyyyyyy want him to come home. Its sooo sad though cuz I'm one of the people telling him to move to NC cuz he would be so much better off there, and now i want to be all selfish and want him home asap. I miss him like its out of style. All I could really dwell on last night was him, but yet...I couldnt quite tell him what I wanted to.
All I wanted to say to him on the phone last night was how much I was missing him, and finnnnnallly come out to him about the trust issue. I was THAT happy. I do trust him! I know I do! Yes....Im scared to say it cuz it seems everytime I go that far with a guy - as in, to the point of completely trusting his judgement - I end up hurt, or pulled into situations where im just kinda stuck...so...this is a HUGE step for me, but I think I can take it.
I was listening to Because of You this morning [ yeah... out of my charactor, but hell...i was in a mood okay! lol ] and it just kinda hit me...It IS because of my past that I dont trust people like I should, and I look at things in an entirely differnt prospective - but i cant completly blame my past reationships w/ both guys and family on me not trusting....Im just terrified... If anything in this world scares me more - its commitment. I mean, shit - im now 17 years old - why do I need to be in a fully commited reationship and completely forgeting the notion of ever dating anybody else for the rest of eternity? ...but...with that said...
If I could commit to anything, or anybody in this whole world...it would be John T. Indvick. He has never in his life tired to hurt me in any way shape or form, and is probley one of the only guys who told me he loved me with every single iota of his being - and meant it completely. Not to metion Im completely crazy about pretty much EVERYTHING about him. Whether it his looks, his humor, or the way he treats me as a whole - i love it. He is that amazing. I'm not saying hes perfect - nobody is - but...hes the closest thing I've ever had to it, and I strongly doubt anybody could beat what I have right now.
John has managed to get me to accept myself. Whether its my outward looks [ which i still kinda dislike, but who doesnt dislike somthing about their looks? ] or whether its the way i treat people, or the way i think. Hes showed me that not all people are who they say they really are, nomatter how beliveable it may be at first. and hes showed me that I should follow my own head, instead of constantly relying on everybody else to make decions for me, or show me how I should think. and, ya know whats really funny? He never really tried to change me. he just...showed me. in his own little ways, he showed me that Im not the ugly annoying tramp that I always thought I was. Im smart, funny, beautiful, and in some cases romantic. I never have had this much self esteme around a guy...ever...lol! He can make me feel so...great...
I think God has finnally answerd my prayer. It took him five years...but he did. And Ive thanked him constantly for it. maybe...just maybe...ive caught him. Eh...I might just have a life after all. lol!
No, not many people showed this year, but we had a blast! It was me, my e-ville friends, Kaycee & Kricia, Demara, my Uncle Brian, Luke, and my parents. It was soooo much fun though. Whats funny is, a couple things went wrong, but they didnt spoil my day, yeah i was a bit upset, but i still had a blast.
Then Holiday World w/ my E-ville friends was amazing - we had soooo much fun. I really needed the time off to just chill for a while. Ive had a couple things stress me out lately, and piss me off but I feel allot better now that ive got some me time. I still miss John though....
I reeeeeeaaaalllllllyyyyyy want him to come home. Its sooo sad though cuz I'm one of the people telling him to move to NC cuz he would be so much better off there, and now i want to be all selfish and want him home asap. I miss him like its out of style. All I could really dwell on last night was him, but yet...I couldnt quite tell him what I wanted to.
All I wanted to say to him on the phone last night was how much I was missing him, and finnnnnallly come out to him about the trust issue. I was THAT happy. I do trust him! I know I do! Yes....Im scared to say it cuz it seems everytime I go that far with a guy - as in, to the point of completely trusting his judgement - I end up hurt, or pulled into situations where im just kinda stuck...so...this is a HUGE step for me, but I think I can take it.
I was listening to Because of You this morning [ yeah... out of my charactor, but hell...i was in a mood okay! lol ] and it just kinda hit me...It IS because of my past that I dont trust people like I should, and I look at things in an entirely differnt prospective - but i cant completly blame my past reationships w/ both guys and family on me not trusting....Im just terrified... If anything in this world scares me more - its commitment. I mean, shit - im now 17 years old - why do I need to be in a fully commited reationship and completely forgeting the notion of ever dating anybody else for the rest of eternity? ...but...with that said...
If I could commit to anything, or anybody in this whole world...it would be John T. Indvick. He has never in his life tired to hurt me in any way shape or form, and is probley one of the only guys who told me he loved me with every single iota of his being - and meant it completely. Not to metion Im completely crazy about pretty much EVERYTHING about him. Whether it his looks, his humor, or the way he treats me as a whole - i love it. He is that amazing. I'm not saying hes perfect - nobody is - but...hes the closest thing I've ever had to it, and I strongly doubt anybody could beat what I have right now.
John has managed to get me to accept myself. Whether its my outward looks [ which i still kinda dislike, but who doesnt dislike somthing about their looks? ] or whether its the way i treat people, or the way i think. Hes showed me that not all people are who they say they really are, nomatter how beliveable it may be at first. and hes showed me that I should follow my own head, instead of constantly relying on everybody else to make decions for me, or show me how I should think. and, ya know whats really funny? He never really tried to change me. he just...showed me. in his own little ways, he showed me that Im not the ugly annoying tramp that I always thought I was. Im smart, funny, beautiful, and in some cases romantic. I never have had this much self esteme around a guy...ever...lol! He can make me feel so...great...
I think God has finnally answerd my prayer. It took him five years...but he did. And Ive thanked him constantly for it. maybe...just maybe...ive caught him. Eh...I might just have a life after all. lol!
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Is having a 50/50 day...
As you can tell from the title, my day has been so so...
I woke up this morning, and went to church with the folks, nothing bad, it was okay. Then we went to Wal-Mart and I blew some money on some stuff I had been putting off buying for a while. Stilll...okay. Then we get home. My mother has a cow because my dad isnt helping her with the cooking. Then my Dad decides to open his fat mouth and piss her off more. They argue. I'm, as usiual, stuck in the middle of it, and go into my room - wanting nothing to do with either of them, before one pulls me to their side before I can refuse.
So, I go into my room, and start cleaning it up. This is typically what I do when I am trying to get somthing off of my mind, or ignore somthing/someone. I get finnished cleaning my room, and find nothing else that I want to do. So instead of listening to my mother slam the cabnets in the kitchen in fury, I call my boyfriend. We hadnt really talked in a little bit, because he wasnt fdeeling too hott last night, and the night before that we got into a semi argument. So, I thought maybe he would have somthing uplifting to say, and maybe shine some light on the situation as he typically does. We talk for about 3 min.'s. I continue to make random comments, and when I figue out that he isnt going to reply, we sit in silence as I play with the buttons on my remote, ignoreing all of the bad vibes going through my house. I wanted to bawl, but Im starting to get better at stopping it.
Ever since I had my little mental breakdown my Freshmen year, I have been really insanely touchy about allot of things, and would cry easily. My only rule was dont cry infront of people you dont trust to help you out. So I would hold it in untill I could hide in the school bathroom, or into my room to bawl like a two year old who just fell off their bike.
Soooo...anyways...we sit in silence as I keep myself from crying due to my copnstant dwelling on the idea of me and John ending up like that, when he decides to just blow me off. Granted...he probley didnt blow me off...just got sick of the silence, and probley had somthing better & more important to do seeing as hes at his dads...but...the light I was looking for wasnt their, and Im really not the type to beg for help. So...that kinda pulled me down a little more. So I dwell for about 30 minutes till it calms down in the living room, then I go to my computer and fiddle around for a bit.
My Dad then decides to have me go driving for a couple minutes, so we do. and I almost hit a freaking car turning onto another road...yeah...I wasnt feeling too hott...lol! I did okay comming home though. Which brough me more at ease with myself knowing I could do somthing right...even though they decided not to tell me so.
I then fiddle around some more at home, make me a smothie, and called a couple people to figure out who was going to show up at my party this weekend [ its my 17th birthday on sunday ^_^ ] and I get blown off by a couple friends of mine, but it doesnt effect me much. and now im here...typing out this blog to blow time. O well... I supose I shall write to ya all latta. Im gonna go write somthing...I feel like writting....
I woke up this morning, and went to church with the folks, nothing bad, it was okay. Then we went to Wal-Mart and I blew some money on some stuff I had been putting off buying for a while. Stilll...okay. Then we get home. My mother has a cow because my dad isnt helping her with the cooking. Then my Dad decides to open his fat mouth and piss her off more. They argue. I'm, as usiual, stuck in the middle of it, and go into my room - wanting nothing to do with either of them, before one pulls me to their side before I can refuse.
So, I go into my room, and start cleaning it up. This is typically what I do when I am trying to get somthing off of my mind, or ignore somthing/someone. I get finnished cleaning my room, and find nothing else that I want to do. So instead of listening to my mother slam the cabnets in the kitchen in fury, I call my boyfriend. We hadnt really talked in a little bit, because he wasnt fdeeling too hott last night, and the night before that we got into a semi argument. So, I thought maybe he would have somthing uplifting to say, and maybe shine some light on the situation as he typically does. We talk for about 3 min.'s. I continue to make random comments, and when I figue out that he isnt going to reply, we sit in silence as I play with the buttons on my remote, ignoreing all of the bad vibes going through my house. I wanted to bawl, but Im starting to get better at stopping it.
Ever since I had my little mental breakdown my Freshmen year, I have been really insanely touchy about allot of things, and would cry easily. My only rule was dont cry infront of people you dont trust to help you out. So I would hold it in untill I could hide in the school bathroom, or into my room to bawl like a two year old who just fell off their bike.
Soooo...anyways...we sit in silence as I keep myself from crying due to my copnstant dwelling on the idea of me and John ending up like that, when he decides to just blow me off. Granted...he probley didnt blow me off...just got sick of the silence, and probley had somthing better & more important to do seeing as hes at his dads...but...the light I was looking for wasnt their, and Im really not the type to beg for help. So...that kinda pulled me down a little more. So I dwell for about 30 minutes till it calms down in the living room, then I go to my computer and fiddle around for a bit.
My Dad then decides to have me go driving for a couple minutes, so we do. and I almost hit a freaking car turning onto another road...yeah...I wasnt feeling too hott...lol! I did okay comming home though. Which brough me more at ease with myself knowing I could do somthing right...even though they decided not to tell me so.
I then fiddle around some more at home, make me a smothie, and called a couple people to figure out who was going to show up at my party this weekend [ its my 17th birthday on sunday ^_^ ] and I get blown off by a couple friends of mine, but it doesnt effect me much. and now im here...typing out this blog to blow time. O well... I supose I shall write to ya all latta. Im gonna go write somthing...I feel like writting....
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Fansubbs & You!
Hello Everybody!
This is somthing I wrote for my website - and I thought I would also post it on my myspace as well. It might be intresting to hear the reactions I get to it. Please- feel free to comment, or check out my new forum page on my website :
www.freewebs.com/jveach400
^ so not a promo....lol ^_^
~ Jess
Fansub's & YOU!
Oh the fansubs ^_^ Don't we all just love them? But ~ why do we love them?
Lets face it, they are free, mass produced, some of decent quality, and did I mention free? Until recently, I was with the majority of you who believed that funsubbing was not a horrible act of treachery against the anime industry in both Japan and in America. They were free and mass produced through many sites such as Veoh and YouTube. Eh, it's free advertising right? What's the big deal? Well, with the help of the most wonderful Greg Ayres [ voice actor commonly heard in ADV anime productions ] I have now learned that this is most DEFINATLY not the case.
Fansubs are one of the largest of problems amongst the anime industry today. Companies are not only losing money - but in some cases going completely out of business; such as our recent loss of Geneon.
According to Anime News Network, "Other companies, both Japanese and North American, have much less tolerance for fansubs. Some Japanese companies have asked fansubbers to not translate their properties, while representatives of some American companies have publicly stated that they do not appreciate the efforts of fansubbers."
I personally have attended panel's during the Paducah Kentucky OMG! Con where Greg Ayres made a most amazing argument against fansubbers; stating that fansubbers are practically ruining the industry by making anime free so that people don't typically buy the anime anymore. They simply get on their computers, and watch the whole series online. If you are not already aware, most popular anime, and even some of the more un-commonly known anime can be found, in its full form - online, translated by armature anime translators.
Some may argue that fansubs are not that awful. They simply provide the shows we love to people who either cannot afford to buy the DVD's, or simply want a preview of an anime before investing in it. This is, in my opinion - absurd. Anime is at its cheapest right now in America. If somebody really wants to see an anime that bad, they can check out the anime's legal producers site for previews, and look up discount stores online to buy there anime from. It is more expensive to buy anime in Japan then it is here in the States. Believe it or not, anime isn't near as available in Japan as it is in America.
The bottom line you ask? Fansubs are pulling the anime industry to an increasing halt. More and more companies are falling closer and closer to bankruptcy due to the recent demand for fansubs - as to the DVDs. Some may also argue the point of Sub vs. Dub. But, to be quite frank, all I have to say on that subject is - who are you going to trust more? A professional who has been translating for years, or a fansubber who is using a program 10 million years old, who doesn't have a very broad look at the Japanese language itself?
I propose that more anime consumers support there favorite anime by buying them in there legal form if they plan on having more anime in the future. If this pattern stays constant : we may not have much longer to enjoy the anime we have today. Companies will fall, and anime writers will loose their jobs due to the decreasing demand for DVD's. The same applies for manga. Scanlations are also becoming more and more popular in the sates, and will soon follow the pattern on anime if they aren't already doing so.
But – the choice to stop this pattern is up to the viewers – such as yourself. We must stop illegal fansubs – in all of their various forms. I do hope that my little rant has turned a couple heads towards the right direction. Please feel free to drop me a line – whether against or for my cause – I look forward to hearing your comments.
This is somthing I wrote for my website - and I thought I would also post it on my myspace as well. It might be intresting to hear the reactions I get to it. Please- feel free to comment, or check out my new forum page on my website :
www.freewebs.com/jveach400
^ so not a promo....lol ^_^
~ Jess
Fansub's & YOU!
Oh the fansubs ^_^ Don't we all just love them? But ~ why do we love them?
Lets face it, they are free, mass produced, some of decent quality, and did I mention free? Until recently, I was with the majority of you who believed that funsubbing was not a horrible act of treachery against the anime industry in both Japan and in America. They were free and mass produced through many sites such as Veoh and YouTube. Eh, it's free advertising right? What's the big deal? Well, with the help of the most wonderful Greg Ayres [ voice actor commonly heard in ADV anime productions ] I have now learned that this is most DEFINATLY not the case.
Fansubs are one of the largest of problems amongst the anime industry today. Companies are not only losing money - but in some cases going completely out of business; such as our recent loss of Geneon.
According to Anime News Network, "Other companies, both Japanese and North American, have much less tolerance for fansubs. Some Japanese companies have asked fansubbers to not translate their properties, while representatives of some American companies have publicly stated that they do not appreciate the efforts of fansubbers."
I personally have attended panel's during the Paducah Kentucky OMG! Con where Greg Ayres made a most amazing argument against fansubbers; stating that fansubbers are practically ruining the industry by making anime free so that people don't typically buy the anime anymore. They simply get on their computers, and watch the whole series online. If you are not already aware, most popular anime, and even some of the more un-commonly known anime can be found, in its full form - online, translated by armature anime translators.
Some may argue that fansubs are not that awful. They simply provide the shows we love to people who either cannot afford to buy the DVD's, or simply want a preview of an anime before investing in it. This is, in my opinion - absurd. Anime is at its cheapest right now in America. If somebody really wants to see an anime that bad, they can check out the anime's legal producers site for previews, and look up discount stores online to buy there anime from. It is more expensive to buy anime in Japan then it is here in the States. Believe it or not, anime isn't near as available in Japan as it is in America.
The bottom line you ask? Fansubs are pulling the anime industry to an increasing halt. More and more companies are falling closer and closer to bankruptcy due to the recent demand for fansubs - as to the DVDs. Some may also argue the point of Sub vs. Dub. But, to be quite frank, all I have to say on that subject is - who are you going to trust more? A professional who has been translating for years, or a fansubber who is using a program 10 million years old, who doesn't have a very broad look at the Japanese language itself?
I propose that more anime consumers support there favorite anime by buying them in there legal form if they plan on having more anime in the future. If this pattern stays constant : we may not have much longer to enjoy the anime we have today. Companies will fall, and anime writers will loose their jobs due to the decreasing demand for DVD's. The same applies for manga. Scanlations are also becoming more and more popular in the sates, and will soon follow the pattern on anime if they aren't already doing so.
But – the choice to stop this pattern is up to the viewers – such as yourself. We must stop illegal fansubs – in all of their various forms. I do hope that my little rant has turned a couple heads towards the right direction. Please feel free to drop me a line – whether against or for my cause – I look forward to hearing your comments.
Monday, June 9, 2008
Due to a recent comment...
...I thought I would write to you about this, and also get some things off my chest before I explode. This is a touchy subject for me because there are many different view points it could take. None of which end pretty. I wrote a blog a while back about guys screwing me over, and an ex of mine named Nathan commented on it asking if he fell under the category of guys who had fucked me over at one point in the relationship. Well...I thought about it...and it has been bugging me all day. Did he really screw me over? Or was he doing just what he thought was best at the time? I will tell everybody right now, right off the bat that mine and Nathan relationship was everything but completely perfect. We had many things occur during the 5 or 6 months we were dating. One of which, I counted as him hurting me beyond belief. and now, I’m not so sure if he really meant it like it came out. Heres what happened....
I left him because I didnt feel comfortable being with him anymore because it got to the point that I would look at him, and still think of my then ex John. He was all I could really ever think about. Yeah, when me and Nathan were alone, it was Nathan taking over my heart, but when I went home that night....it would be John taking over my dreams. I was obsessed with this belief of John never coming back, and Nathan was all I had. but the more I thought about it, the worse it got....the more I would dwell on the subject of my first true love. John on the other hand at the time I believe could of given a fuck less about me. I would try to talk to him and he would blow me off. Ever since I left him for Nathan, he started acting different, and doing things that I didnt personally approve of. but I finally talked myself into thinking that if he ever wished to talk to me, he would. and he had his new girlfriend to take care of him. but that didnt change the fact that I loved him. So, I decided that if I was going to get anywhere in life, I needed to get rid of the access drama...and Nathan was apart of that drama. I felt as though, in some way, I was cheating on him...and I couldn’t take the slight betrayal of it all on my part. So...I left him...
Nathan didnt take it too soundly, and got REALLY pissed. He soon after sent me a long 5 or 6 paragraph letter explaining to me how a horrible black hearted traitor I was, and how he didnt understand how he devoted thoughs few months on my ass. That I was basically a worthless bitch. I read that damn letter about 2000 times in the hopes of what I was reading was a hoax. There was no way that he thought that stuff about me. I cant tell you how many tears I wasted on that letter. I finally latter cooked up the courage to reply to him, and we didnt talk for months. I didnt do a god damn thing to him that wasnt in his best interest - he on the other hand decided to treat me like crap in the end, and everything I did for him automatically meant absolutely nothing. Does that qualify as being screwed over to you? Or was it just what I deserved.
There are many many many things that I ended up not liking about Nathan, but Im sure if I were to mention these things they would open scars, and me and this person would end up in one of our fights, one of the things I disliked about our relationship. We fought about EVERYTHING....but... Nathan wasn’t all bad. Most of my friends, my current boyfriend especially, think different....but I think I saw a side of Nathan that nobody else was able to touch. I truly did love this guy, and in some deep dark realm of my soul I still care for him. Because, when ever I hear that something is wrong with him, or if anything happened to him, I get right on it. I act as his protector. Whether I should or not, I still dont know, but I do. He has a side that I dont think many people really get the chance to see. I know him so well, it even scares him. I was always the one to feed him advice, and help him when he needed me. I was and am the one who will tell it to him as bluntly as I know how, because tough love is my typically my thing. I give it to you flat and un sugar coated. If you ask, ill tell. Im not the type to want to change a guy. I believe you date a guy for the guy - not the guy you are planning on turning them into being. but thats just me... Nathan on the other hand, would spot things about me that he just hated, and would bitch to me about them, resulting in many of our wonderful arguments. I was always doing SOMETHING he didn’t like at at least one point within the week.
The fact of the matter is, I ended up being more a guardian angel to Nathan, rather then a girlfriend. All of the words he spoke to me that were against me, I learned to look past. Yes....I loved him....but it just wasn’t working. Every time we tried...it didnt work. I do believe we both got something out of the deal, both good and bad. Which is why im not sure if he truly falls under the category of "screwed me over guys"...because in the end, he was just doing what he thought was true at the time....I might just be making excuses for him, i dano... what do ya all think? because the more I think about it, the less I know....
I left him because I didnt feel comfortable being with him anymore because it got to the point that I would look at him, and still think of my then ex John. He was all I could really ever think about. Yeah, when me and Nathan were alone, it was Nathan taking over my heart, but when I went home that night....it would be John taking over my dreams. I was obsessed with this belief of John never coming back, and Nathan was all I had. but the more I thought about it, the worse it got....the more I would dwell on the subject of my first true love. John on the other hand at the time I believe could of given a fuck less about me. I would try to talk to him and he would blow me off. Ever since I left him for Nathan, he started acting different, and doing things that I didnt personally approve of. but I finally talked myself into thinking that if he ever wished to talk to me, he would. and he had his new girlfriend to take care of him. but that didnt change the fact that I loved him. So, I decided that if I was going to get anywhere in life, I needed to get rid of the access drama...and Nathan was apart of that drama. I felt as though, in some way, I was cheating on him...and I couldn’t take the slight betrayal of it all on my part. So...I left him...
Nathan didnt take it too soundly, and got REALLY pissed. He soon after sent me a long 5 or 6 paragraph letter explaining to me how a horrible black hearted traitor I was, and how he didnt understand how he devoted thoughs few months on my ass. That I was basically a worthless bitch. I read that damn letter about 2000 times in the hopes of what I was reading was a hoax. There was no way that he thought that stuff about me. I cant tell you how many tears I wasted on that letter. I finally latter cooked up the courage to reply to him, and we didnt talk for months. I didnt do a god damn thing to him that wasnt in his best interest - he on the other hand decided to treat me like crap in the end, and everything I did for him automatically meant absolutely nothing. Does that qualify as being screwed over to you? Or was it just what I deserved.
There are many many many things that I ended up not liking about Nathan, but Im sure if I were to mention these things they would open scars, and me and this person would end up in one of our fights, one of the things I disliked about our relationship. We fought about EVERYTHING....but... Nathan wasn’t all bad. Most of my friends, my current boyfriend especially, think different....but I think I saw a side of Nathan that nobody else was able to touch. I truly did love this guy, and in some deep dark realm of my soul I still care for him. Because, when ever I hear that something is wrong with him, or if anything happened to him, I get right on it. I act as his protector. Whether I should or not, I still dont know, but I do. He has a side that I dont think many people really get the chance to see. I know him so well, it even scares him. I was always the one to feed him advice, and help him when he needed me. I was and am the one who will tell it to him as bluntly as I know how, because tough love is my typically my thing. I give it to you flat and un sugar coated. If you ask, ill tell. Im not the type to want to change a guy. I believe you date a guy for the guy - not the guy you are planning on turning them into being. but thats just me... Nathan on the other hand, would spot things about me that he just hated, and would bitch to me about them, resulting in many of our wonderful arguments. I was always doing SOMETHING he didn’t like at at least one point within the week.
The fact of the matter is, I ended up being more a guardian angel to Nathan, rather then a girlfriend. All of the words he spoke to me that were against me, I learned to look past. Yes....I loved him....but it just wasn’t working. Every time we tried...it didnt work. I do believe we both got something out of the deal, both good and bad. Which is why im not sure if he truly falls under the category of "screwed me over guys"...because in the end, he was just doing what he thought was true at the time....I might just be making excuses for him, i dano... what do ya all think? because the more I think about it, the less I know....
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
I feel like a little puppy....
Im finnally getting to talk to John...but...its very off and on. He will talk to me [we're on AIM] and then leave for 30mins....then talk to me again for about 10mins....then leave again for another 30....and all I feel like doing right now is talking to him...so...what do I do? I stare at the screen. I make my little pouty face and sit my chin on my arms crossed on the table my computer is on, and stare at the little bar...waiting for it to blink...
i am so.....sad....
but o well...atleast I get to talk to him some tonight....thats somthing.
i am so.....sad....
but o well...atleast I get to talk to him some tonight....thats somthing.
Sunday, June 1, 2008
A Slight Realization....
He will officially be gone to NC on Tuesday... what the hell am I going to do all summer?
It’s been bad enough to this point, but....I don’t think I have ever missed him this much - before he ever even left. Its kinda frighting....does this mean that I love him more now, then when I did then? I feel as though my husband is leaving for war or something....its pretty ridiculous actually. I mean, Ill be able to talk to him over the phone a couple times a week, and he’s coming home in August, so....no biggy...right?
I just wish, for one summer, even if it was just a couple weeks....that I could just constantly be with him....I just wanna hang out at a park or something, or even just watch a movie at one of our houses, and just kinda sit there in the others presence, just because we could. I love those lazy days, there’re my favorite. Where we just kinda chill, and talk, and just hang out like we always used to before we ever dated. Back when we were the best of friends. When we were around each other so much, and told each other everything, to the point of his neighbors thinking that we were dating.
I miss the old days....back when it was just him - and me. nobody else. No crazy ex boyfriends/girlfriends. No fighting. No bitchy parents to get in our way because one parent didn’t like the other. No drama.... back when everything we did was so insanely innocent that we would be scared to make the slightest move. Back when my heart would skip a beat merely hearing is voice across the hall in school, back when I was in denial that I even liked John Indvick like that. I miss the innocence of it all. I guess everybody can relate some how. I never in my wildest dreams, back when I first met John, would have ever guessed that I would fall head over heels in love with him, much less date him as many times as I have, and for so long.
He has always been my knight in shinning armor.... I just never wanted to see it. I was put under this impression that John would be a phase. I would get over him, and find somebody else. Well, it soon became a pattern of mine to date him...move on to somebody else....but never forget him. Then I would be with my new boyfriend, and right before he would lean in to make a move - Johns face would pop in my head, and I would reminisce on old memories that I thought that I had lost and forgotten about. I became better and better at hiding the fact that I still had strong feelings for John. I even lied to John about it...more then once.... He would ask me how I felt, and I would purposely say that we had no chance at getting back together, because I didn’t want to gain any false hope in ever having him back. I would put on my happy face, and pretend like I was perfectly fine without him, and was happy that he had his own life now with somebody other then me.
and now... three years latter.... I’m practically engaged to him. We have plans, and what we want to do in life - and both of our plans inquires the other. I really don’t know what I would do if I lost him somehow....if maybe he found somebody else that was better then me in some way....or if I hurt him again....like I have in the past. I have changed sooooo much since the day we first met....Im confident that we are both in this for the long run....but I still don’t want that false hope. I don’t want to completely place all my future plans on him just yet. Shit – I’m 17 – I don’t NEED to be “practically engaged”. I just really don’t want to be with anybody else but him. I’ve tried other people… and its just not the same, and not even close to being as good. But, I have a feeling that I wont truly become completely and fully serious with this until we make it an entire year without a huge fight resulting in a bad break-up....which seems to be our pattern. We will last about 5 to 6 months, and something will happen, and we will both slowly crumble.
I pray every day that that will never happen again...I want to be with him...I want him all to myself...I want him so bad that it hurts. I cant function correctly without him with me in some way shape or form. I need him....he is the first guy I have ever relied this much on. I have more trust in him then I let off sometimes. Because…he has seen pieces of me that I never dared to show anybody else. He knows me so well its omniscient. We even finish each others sentences sometimes....
Im gonna miss him this summer.....and im gonna miss him more then any summer ever before.....He will be on my mind constantly....I know this to be true...because two weeks have passed, and we haven’t been allowed much contact, if any at all, and I am constantly thinking of him....he’s always in my head. I wake up in the morning wishing he was there....and sometimes hoping he is...even though I know he isn’t, and won’t be.
Lets face it....im in love....
It’s been bad enough to this point, but....I don’t think I have ever missed him this much - before he ever even left. Its kinda frighting....does this mean that I love him more now, then when I did then? I feel as though my husband is leaving for war or something....its pretty ridiculous actually. I mean, Ill be able to talk to him over the phone a couple times a week, and he’s coming home in August, so....no biggy...right?
I just wish, for one summer, even if it was just a couple weeks....that I could just constantly be with him....I just wanna hang out at a park or something, or even just watch a movie at one of our houses, and just kinda sit there in the others presence, just because we could. I love those lazy days, there’re my favorite. Where we just kinda chill, and talk, and just hang out like we always used to before we ever dated. Back when we were the best of friends. When we were around each other so much, and told each other everything, to the point of his neighbors thinking that we were dating.
I miss the old days....back when it was just him - and me. nobody else. No crazy ex boyfriends/girlfriends. No fighting. No bitchy parents to get in our way because one parent didn’t like the other. No drama.... back when everything we did was so insanely innocent that we would be scared to make the slightest move. Back when my heart would skip a beat merely hearing is voice across the hall in school, back when I was in denial that I even liked John Indvick like that. I miss the innocence of it all. I guess everybody can relate some how. I never in my wildest dreams, back when I first met John, would have ever guessed that I would fall head over heels in love with him, much less date him as many times as I have, and for so long.
He has always been my knight in shinning armor.... I just never wanted to see it. I was put under this impression that John would be a phase. I would get over him, and find somebody else. Well, it soon became a pattern of mine to date him...move on to somebody else....but never forget him. Then I would be with my new boyfriend, and right before he would lean in to make a move - Johns face would pop in my head, and I would reminisce on old memories that I thought that I had lost and forgotten about. I became better and better at hiding the fact that I still had strong feelings for John. I even lied to John about it...more then once.... He would ask me how I felt, and I would purposely say that we had no chance at getting back together, because I didn’t want to gain any false hope in ever having him back. I would put on my happy face, and pretend like I was perfectly fine without him, and was happy that he had his own life now with somebody other then me.
and now... three years latter.... I’m practically engaged to him. We have plans, and what we want to do in life - and both of our plans inquires the other. I really don’t know what I would do if I lost him somehow....if maybe he found somebody else that was better then me in some way....or if I hurt him again....like I have in the past. I have changed sooooo much since the day we first met....Im confident that we are both in this for the long run....but I still don’t want that false hope. I don’t want to completely place all my future plans on him just yet. Shit – I’m 17 – I don’t NEED to be “practically engaged”. I just really don’t want to be with anybody else but him. I’ve tried other people… and its just not the same, and not even close to being as good. But, I have a feeling that I wont truly become completely and fully serious with this until we make it an entire year without a huge fight resulting in a bad break-up....which seems to be our pattern. We will last about 5 to 6 months, and something will happen, and we will both slowly crumble.
I pray every day that that will never happen again...I want to be with him...I want him all to myself...I want him so bad that it hurts. I cant function correctly without him with me in some way shape or form. I need him....he is the first guy I have ever relied this much on. I have more trust in him then I let off sometimes. Because…he has seen pieces of me that I never dared to show anybody else. He knows me so well its omniscient. We even finish each others sentences sometimes....
Im gonna miss him this summer.....and im gonna miss him more then any summer ever before.....He will be on my mind constantly....I know this to be true...because two weeks have passed, and we haven’t been allowed much contact, if any at all, and I am constantly thinking of him....he’s always in my head. I wake up in the morning wishing he was there....and sometimes hoping he is...even though I know he isn’t, and won’t be.
Lets face it....im in love....
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
My Bi-Polar Father
Well...I was just informed today going to my dentist apt. that my father believes that I will be a failure in life. I wont finish high school, and even if I do, I wont finish collage. I will move out as soon as I turn 18 and go on in life being a complete and utter bum, and accomplish absolutely nothing.
He told this to my MOTHER and got her all upset, and basically said that I’m to expensive to keep in the house anyway! I cost too much! BUT - he refuses to let me pay for things when I offer too. Now my mother is all upset, and I was upset....but not as much anymore. He can think what he bloody wants to about me - but I hope he gets a real reality check when I surpass him as his daughter.
And he wonders why I don’t like him, and that I don’t like being in his presence, or talking to him about my personal matters; because they amount to NOTHING to him. I am a complete and utter failure, and always will be.
Well, ya know what? - F*** him!!!!!
I don’t care! I refuse to get upset over his ass not believing in me and my efforts to become the daughter he actually wants to tell his friends about, the one that wanted to make him proud. Now I don’t care anymore. His opinion isn’t worth spit to me. Why should it? I’m just a stupid teenager who will amount to nothing anyways!
....screw him....
He told this to my MOTHER and got her all upset, and basically said that I’m to expensive to keep in the house anyway! I cost too much! BUT - he refuses to let me pay for things when I offer too. Now my mother is all upset, and I was upset....but not as much anymore. He can think what he bloody wants to about me - but I hope he gets a real reality check when I surpass him as his daughter.
And he wonders why I don’t like him, and that I don’t like being in his presence, or talking to him about my personal matters; because they amount to NOTHING to him. I am a complete and utter failure, and always will be.
Well, ya know what? - F*** him!!!!!
I don’t care! I refuse to get upset over his ass not believing in me and my efforts to become the daughter he actually wants to tell his friends about, the one that wanted to make him proud. Now I don’t care anymore. His opinion isn’t worth spit to me. Why should it? I’m just a stupid teenager who will amount to nothing anyways!
....screw him....
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Chocolate = Stress Reliver
Did you know that chocolate is like, the best stress reliver in the world?
Right now, at this very moment, I would like to bawl my eyes out and just have a nice big ass cry - but - thanks to my dark chocolate kisses, im not...anymore.
To thoughs of you who care, im in a situation where I cant help but dwell on my dirty past. Lets just say, I have fucked up on many occassions in the past couple years, and now a days, i cant help but dwell on thoughs moments when i felt my lowest. For Instance;
When I broke up with John the last time. I left him for a guy I had met at my work, a guy, who in the end, proved to not be as amazing as i orginally thought he was. It didnt work out...and I had left John for nothing. I do belive that my reationship with the other guy did amount to somthing, we both got allot out of it in our own ways, but...by me leaving him...I learned how I cannot live without this guy in my life in some way form or fashioned. Withen the months that I didnt have him, I was a wreck. Hell...I was a wreck in the course of leaving him in the first damn place. I cried the whole time. From the point of me IM'ing him [ he was gone for the summer ] to the point of me bring it up. and...what makes it worse...is the whole time i was doing it, the guy that i was leaveing him for was talking to me too...and he knew exactly what i was doing, because he pretty much set me to it. But..in the end...it was completely my decion...and my fuck up.... Its pretty ridiculus when your that hurt leaveing sombody, but you do it anyways, because your so set on what your future could be.
I messed up...majorly... but yet he still claims that he will be there for me whenever i need him. But - ya wanna know the god honest truth? He wasnt. Whenever I cam to him about somthing, I would be blown off. I wasnt quite worth his attenchion, because thanks to my little idea of leaveing him - i was nolonger his problem. So I would sit in my room and think, and dwell, and just force myself to get over things, because if John didnt care, nobody would. He was , and to be frank IS the center of my life. If he doesnt give a damn about me, then nobody will. But, what is ironic is, he was the one who said we would never date again. All of our planned on moving in together and eventully getting married were temp. thrown out the window. He had his life, and I had mine. I did my best to move on, but i had my slip ups where I would call him just to hear his voice, or I would walk by his house just so I could reminise. Call me a stalker, but, I couldnt help it. I wanted him back, so insnaley desperatley, that even when he turned me away, I would talk myself into thinking it was a lie.
Dont get me wrong - I know he loves me, and i know that this will work this go around - i know it. We have both matured since thoughs days, and we are more certain about things now then we were then. But, thinking back...it scares me. Allot of things have been bothering me lately, and majority of them, were orignally MY fault.... Im completeloy to blame. I hurt him, I left him, I said this, I did that. It was always my fault, and probley always will be. Im a fuck up to the core. I'm too blunt, and i dont think things out before I say/do them. He, on the other hand, things just about everything through before he does it. Everything has to be either proven, or have some sort of cause and effect. Im not saying hes wrong, but I just wish he would be more blunt somtimes. Granted...we all know where that got me...so I might as well get over it.
John is my everything - but I still just dont comprehend why he loves me of all people...the fuck up... but..im rabling about nonsence...so im gonna shut up now...
Hows that for a daily soap opera...
Right now, at this very moment, I would like to bawl my eyes out and just have a nice big ass cry - but - thanks to my dark chocolate kisses, im not...anymore.
To thoughs of you who care, im in a situation where I cant help but dwell on my dirty past. Lets just say, I have fucked up on many occassions in the past couple years, and now a days, i cant help but dwell on thoughs moments when i felt my lowest. For Instance;
When I broke up with John the last time. I left him for a guy I had met at my work, a guy, who in the end, proved to not be as amazing as i orginally thought he was. It didnt work out...and I had left John for nothing. I do belive that my reationship with the other guy did amount to somthing, we both got allot out of it in our own ways, but...by me leaving him...I learned how I cannot live without this guy in my life in some way form or fashioned. Withen the months that I didnt have him, I was a wreck. Hell...I was a wreck in the course of leaving him in the first damn place. I cried the whole time. From the point of me IM'ing him [ he was gone for the summer ] to the point of me bring it up. and...what makes it worse...is the whole time i was doing it, the guy that i was leaveing him for was talking to me too...and he knew exactly what i was doing, because he pretty much set me to it. But..in the end...it was completely my decion...and my fuck up.... Its pretty ridiculus when your that hurt leaveing sombody, but you do it anyways, because your so set on what your future could be.
I messed up...majorly... but yet he still claims that he will be there for me whenever i need him. But - ya wanna know the god honest truth? He wasnt. Whenever I cam to him about somthing, I would be blown off. I wasnt quite worth his attenchion, because thanks to my little idea of leaveing him - i was nolonger his problem. So I would sit in my room and think, and dwell, and just force myself to get over things, because if John didnt care, nobody would. He was , and to be frank IS the center of my life. If he doesnt give a damn about me, then nobody will. But, what is ironic is, he was the one who said we would never date again. All of our planned on moving in together and eventully getting married were temp. thrown out the window. He had his life, and I had mine. I did my best to move on, but i had my slip ups where I would call him just to hear his voice, or I would walk by his house just so I could reminise. Call me a stalker, but, I couldnt help it. I wanted him back, so insnaley desperatley, that even when he turned me away, I would talk myself into thinking it was a lie.
Dont get me wrong - I know he loves me, and i know that this will work this go around - i know it. We have both matured since thoughs days, and we are more certain about things now then we were then. But, thinking back...it scares me. Allot of things have been bothering me lately, and majority of them, were orignally MY fault.... Im completeloy to blame. I hurt him, I left him, I said this, I did that. It was always my fault, and probley always will be. Im a fuck up to the core. I'm too blunt, and i dont think things out before I say/do them. He, on the other hand, things just about everything through before he does it. Everything has to be either proven, or have some sort of cause and effect. Im not saying hes wrong, but I just wish he would be more blunt somtimes. Granted...we all know where that got me...so I might as well get over it.
John is my everything - but I still just dont comprehend why he loves me of all people...the fuck up... but..im rabling about nonsence...so im gonna shut up now...
Hows that for a daily soap opera...
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Relationships...
I officially despise the majority of the male race. I despise them with every inch of my soul. They are so confusing, and have fucked my brain up to the point of no return. It seems like every single guy I have ever dated has tried to screw me over or hurt me in some way at some time. Now, my latest ex boyfriend has basically told me that we wasted two months on each other for nothing. He despises me, and I despise him. I suppose we're even. But why am I surprised?
*changing names to protect the guilty*
Almost every single guy I have dated has completely screwed me over or used me in some form or fashioned.
James: This was my first boyfriend. Oh, was he a trip. Not only did he cheat on me a numerous amount of times, but he was a total man whore.
Jacob: This is the guy I went out with for a brief amount of time, who grew a likening to ditching me every time we did something together. Whether it was parties, dances, or just walking around the neighborhood, he always would leave at least an hour early – leaving me behind.
Brian: We dated for three months - completely infatuated with each other - or so I thought. He left me the day after my grandmother died and then screwed - and I mean the term literally - my best friend. Then after he dated her for a while, he dated my OTHER best friend. Both of which had told me that they liked him and were going for him the SECOND after we broke up. Is it just me, or did I get SCREWED OVER?
There are many many many other examples of this. Out of the 5 or 6 guys I have dated, it seems like all of them have done something to me. To make matters worse – the guy I am currently with, John [ you’ll hear this name often ] is possibly the most amazing guy EVER! We have been off and on now for about a year’s time, and always seem to find our way back to each other. Through out majority of the guys I’ve dated, I have always ended back up with John at some point. But…for some reason…I cannot break the wall that I keep between us. I usually blame it on me getting hurt so many times. Due to those circumstances I have created barriers that keep guys away from certain parts of me, whether that be physically or emotionally.
But…the worst one… the one that affects this relationship most, is me admitting to loving someone. It seems like every time I make it past that barrier – I end up hurt. To the point that even if I truly know that I love them… I can’t make myself say it aloud to them. Hence – me admitting my undying love for them. It gets pretty annoying when I subconsciously will not say it. I’ll say it in my head, but I can’t get it past my lips.
I don’t know…I have allot of things to get past before I truly give myself to him. I know I want to. My dream is to one day go down the isle with this guy…but if I cant get past these barriers of mine…that day might never come.
*changing names to protect the guilty*
Almost every single guy I have dated has completely screwed me over or used me in some form or fashioned.
James: This was my first boyfriend. Oh, was he a trip. Not only did he cheat on me a numerous amount of times, but he was a total man whore.
Jacob: This is the guy I went out with for a brief amount of time, who grew a likening to ditching me every time we did something together. Whether it was parties, dances, or just walking around the neighborhood, he always would leave at least an hour early – leaving me behind.
Brian: We dated for three months - completely infatuated with each other - or so I thought. He left me the day after my grandmother died and then screwed - and I mean the term literally - my best friend. Then after he dated her for a while, he dated my OTHER best friend. Both of which had told me that they liked him and were going for him the SECOND after we broke up. Is it just me, or did I get SCREWED OVER?
There are many many many other examples of this. Out of the 5 or 6 guys I have dated, it seems like all of them have done something to me. To make matters worse – the guy I am currently with, John [ you’ll hear this name often ] is possibly the most amazing guy EVER! We have been off and on now for about a year’s time, and always seem to find our way back to each other. Through out majority of the guys I’ve dated, I have always ended back up with John at some point. But…for some reason…I cannot break the wall that I keep between us. I usually blame it on me getting hurt so many times. Due to those circumstances I have created barriers that keep guys away from certain parts of me, whether that be physically or emotionally.
But…the worst one… the one that affects this relationship most, is me admitting to loving someone. It seems like every time I make it past that barrier – I end up hurt. To the point that even if I truly know that I love them… I can’t make myself say it aloud to them. Hence – me admitting my undying love for them. It gets pretty annoying when I subconsciously will not say it. I’ll say it in my head, but I can’t get it past my lips.
I don’t know…I have allot of things to get past before I truly give myself to him. I know I want to. My dream is to one day go down the isle with this guy…but if I cant get past these barriers of mine…that day might never come.
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