Due to a recent comment...

...I thought I would write to you about this, and also get some things off my chest before I explode. This is a touchy subject for me because there are many different view points it could take. None of which end pretty. I wrote a blog a while back about guys screwing me over, and an ex of mine named Nathan commented on it asking if he fell under the category of guys who had fucked me over at one point in the relationship. Well...I thought about it...and it has been bugging me all day. Did he really screw me over? Or was he doing just what he thought was best at the time? I will tell everybody right now, right off the bat that mine and Nathan relationship was everything but completely perfect. We had many things occur during the 5 or 6 months we were dating. One of which, I counted as him hurting me beyond belief. and now, I’m not so sure if he really meant it like it came out. Heres what happened....

I left him because I didnt feel comfortable being with him anymore because it got to the point that I would look at him, and still think of my then ex John. He was all I could really ever think about. Yeah, when me and Nathan were alone, it was Nathan taking over my heart, but when I went home that night....it would be John taking over my dreams. I was obsessed with this belief of John never coming back, and Nathan was all I had. but the more I thought about it, the worse it got....the more I would dwell on the subject of my first true love. John on the other hand at the time I believe could of given a fuck less about me. I would try to talk to him and he would blow me off. Ever since I left him for Nathan, he started acting different, and doing things that I didnt personally approve of. but I finally talked myself into thinking that if he ever wished to talk to me, he would. and he had his new girlfriend to take care of him. but that didnt change the fact that I loved him. So, I decided that if I was going to get anywhere in life, I needed to get rid of the access drama...and Nathan was apart of that drama. I felt as though, in some way, I was cheating on him...and I couldn’t take the slight betrayal of it all on my part. So...I left him...

Nathan didnt take it too soundly, and got REALLY pissed. He soon after sent me a long 5 or 6 paragraph letter explaining to me how a horrible black hearted traitor I was, and how he didnt understand how he devoted thoughs few months on my ass. That I was basically a worthless bitch. I read that damn letter about 2000 times in the hopes of what I was reading was a hoax. There was no way that he thought that stuff about me. I cant tell you how many tears I wasted on that letter. I finally latter cooked up the courage to reply to him, and we didnt talk for months. I didnt do a god damn thing to him that wasnt in his best interest - he on the other hand decided to treat me like crap in the end, and everything I did for him automatically meant absolutely nothing. Does that qualify as being screwed over to you? Or was it just what I deserved.

There are many many many things that I ended up not liking about Nathan, but Im sure if I were to mention these things they would open scars, and me and this person would end up in one of our fights, one of the things I disliked about our relationship. We fought about EVERYTHING....but... Nathan wasn’t all bad. Most of my friends, my current boyfriend especially, think different....but I think I saw a side of Nathan that nobody else was able to touch. I truly did love this guy, and in some deep dark realm of my soul I still care for him. Because, when ever I hear that something is wrong with him, or if anything happened to him, I get right on it. I act as his protector. Whether I should or not, I still dont know, but I do. He has a side that I dont think many people really get the chance to see. I know him so well, it even scares him. I was always the one to feed him advice, and help him when he needed me. I was and am the one who will tell it to him as bluntly as I know how, because tough love is my typically my thing. I give it to you flat and un sugar coated. If you ask, ill tell. Im not the type to want to change a guy. I believe you date a guy for the guy - not the guy you are planning on turning them into being. but thats just me... Nathan on the other hand, would spot things about me that he just hated, and would bitch to me about them, resulting in many of our wonderful arguments. I was always doing SOMETHING he didn’t like at at least one point within the week.

The fact of the matter is, I ended up being more a guardian angel to Nathan, rather then a girlfriend. All of the words he spoke to me that were against me, I learned to look past. Yes....I loved him....but it just wasn’t working. Every time we tried...it didnt work. I do believe we both got something out of the deal, both good and bad. Which is why im not sure if he truly falls under the category of "screwed me over guys"...because in the end, he was just doing what he thought was true at the time....I might just be making excuses for him, i dano... what do ya all think? because the more I think about it, the less I know....