Birthdays - and John

My birthday kicked major ass this year! ^_^
No, not many people showed this year, but we had a blast! It was me, my e-ville friends, Kaycee & Kricia, Demara, my Uncle Brian, Luke, and my parents. It was soooo much fun though. Whats funny is, a couple things went wrong, but they didnt spoil my day, yeah i was a bit upset, but i still had a blast.

Then Holiday World w/ my E-ville friends was amazing - we had soooo much fun. I really needed the time off to just chill for a while. Ive had a couple things stress me out lately, and piss me off but I feel allot better now that ive got some me time. I still miss John though....
I reeeeeeaaaalllllllyyyyyy want him to come home. Its sooo sad though cuz I'm one of the people telling him to move to NC cuz he would be so much better off there, and now i want to be all selfish and want him home asap. I miss him like its out of style. All I could really dwell on last night was him, but yet...I couldnt quite tell him what I wanted to.

All I wanted to say to him on the phone last night was how much I was missing him, and finnnnnallly come out to him about the trust issue. I was THAT happy. I do trust him! I know I do! Yes....Im scared to say it cuz it seems everytime I go that far with a guy - as in, to the point of completely trusting his judgement - I end up hurt, or pulled into situations where im just kinda stuck...so...this is a HUGE step for me, but I think I can take it.

I was listening to Because of You this morning [ yeah... out of my charactor, but hell...i was in a mood okay! lol ] and it just kinda hit me...It IS because of my past that I dont trust people like I should, and I look at things in an entirely differnt prospective - but i cant completly blame my past reationships w/ both guys and family on me not trusting....Im just terrified... If anything in this world scares me more - its commitment. I mean, shit - im now 17 years old - why do I need to be in a fully commited reationship and completely forgeting the notion of ever dating anybody else for the rest of eternity? ...but...with that said...

If I could commit to anything, or anybody in this whole world...it would be John T. Indvick. He has never in his life tired to hurt me in any way shape or form, and is probley one of the only guys who told me he loved me with every single iota of his being - and meant it completely. Not to metion Im completely crazy about pretty much EVERYTHING about him. Whether it his looks, his humor, or the way he treats me as a whole - i love it. He is that amazing. I'm not saying hes perfect - nobody is - but...hes the closest thing I've ever had to it, and I strongly doubt anybody could beat what I have right now.

John has managed to get me to accept myself. Whether its my outward looks [ which i still kinda dislike, but who doesnt dislike somthing about their looks? ] or whether its the way i treat people, or the way i think. Hes showed me that not all people are who they say they really are, nomatter how beliveable it may be at first. and hes showed me that I should follow my own head, instead of constantly relying on everybody else to make decions for me, or show me how I should think. and, ya know whats really funny? He never really tried to change me. he just...showed me. in his own little ways, he showed me that Im not the ugly annoying tramp that I always thought I was. Im smart, funny, beautiful, and in some cases romantic. I never have had this much self esteme around a guy...ever...lol! He can make me feel so...great...

I think God has finnally answerd my prayer. It took him five years...but he did. And Ive thanked him constantly for it. maybe...just maybe...ive caught him. Eh...I might just have a life after all. lol!